Five Things - Thing One

1. How can you tell when you can quit wiping your behind after pooping?

While this question may appear simple at first, it is really quite complicated and varies drastically based on the pooper and the circumstances. To truly address all combinations of pooper and situation would take a full book, here are some of the most common combinations.

Pooper: male
Circumstance: public restroom at a sporting event

1 wipe and you are done. Anything more means you are playing with it.

Pooper: female
Circumstance: public restroom

N/A: females don’t poop in public restrooms


Pooper: male
Circumstance: home, wife does laundry

3 -5 wipes, depending on if wife has been in a good mood. If she is in a really bad mood, 1 wipe is fine since a brown streak won’t worsen the situation


Pooper: male
Circumstance: home, wife gone to visit mother

No wipes necessary


Pooper: female
Circumstance: home, does own laundry

Wipe until paper is completely clean. Then wipe 5 more times


Pooper: female
Circumstance: home, doesn’t do own laundry

Unrealistic, so no data available

Pooper: 8 yr old boy
Circumstance: any

1 wipe is fine

Pooper: 8 yr old girl
Circumstance: any

As many times as it takes to use up the entire roll.

Pooper: redneck
Circumstance: any

One corn cob is enough for any circumstance.